Ineluctable Modality

The Folly of an English Major

2009-12-17T22:51:00.000-08:00

Two more days before I escape the fetters of academia. Perhaps escape isn't the appropriate word. I'm more like cattle that's been let out to graze for four weeks. And because our winter break has been shortened, it'll go by even sooner. I welcome this change because there's not much to do anyways.

So...Yes, I failed the actuarial exam, as predicted. It was a lot trickier than I thought, and it really boils down to lack of preparation. To concentrate what should have been 300 hours of studying into 2 days was an impossible yeoman's task. My friend Madeline and I are resilient though; we intend on studying again and retaking the exam in May. It kind of sucks that the price of the exam increased for next year. As my friend Mei would dryly say, "Eh, what can you do."

I completed my final paper for Shakespeare and emailed it in a little over 2 hours ago. It was brutal, but there's little I can do now. I still have 4 papers to write. Granted, 2 of them are 2.5 pages each and one of the longer ones is 2/3 completed. A precaution to all those English majors out there: never take 4 concurrent English courses. Especially if you're taking math classes as well. An inverse relationship exists between how many English and math courses one should take.

My entries have been really lacking as so far. I'll try to make the more interesting. I've been so distracted this semester that it's been a chore just thinking of what to blog about. I'm sure that reflects in the entries.

Blah: this is exemplary of how I feel right now.

"Cause you're wicked smahht."

2009-12-01T16:31:00.000-08:00

Julisa, my student from the previous post, informed me yesterday that she improved on her SAT diagnostic. Her score went up by a few hundred. I'm very proud of her, but I knew she was capable of it all along--the other kids are as well. A lot of them just didn't know how to take it well. For students whose range score is in the 400s shouldn't attempt to answer every question 'cause they risk losing so many points.

She also sent me a more complete draft of her personal essay to revise, and it's a dramatic change from where we began weeks ago.

This Saturday will be her real SAT date. It's also the day I'll fail my actuarial exam. I'm trying to nail down studying this week, but I'm positive it'll be in vain. Too late to refund my money though. Boo.

"I'll be your Gene. You can be my Brando."

2009-11-19T20:14:00.000-08:00

Today was my last day of SAT coaching. I hadn't informed my kids earlier, but I decided not to come back on the official last day, December 3. Because I'm taking my actuarial exam on the 5th, for which I need intense preparation during that week. I told my students mid class. While I was helping Julisa with her college essay, however, she became silent randomly and stopped answering me. At first, it seemed as if she was thinking about her essay, but I realized that she was crying. Luckily, there was an admissions officer who came to visit today, and she was helping Josh with his paper, so I was able to sneak Julisa out of the classroom discreetly. I had thought that maybe I was being too harsh with my questions about her paper.

"It's not the essay."

"What's wrong, then? Why are you so sad?"

"You're not coming back..."

I gave her the big long hug. She broke my heart. Or maybe I broke hers.

"Sweety, I'm going to be here [UMass] for the next 3 years. You live so close to my school."

What probably pushed her over the edge was the fact that coaches can't friend the students on Facebook, but that's only while they're in the program. I reassured her that I could friend her after she graduates. She must have felt as though she would never be able to keep in touch with me.

It didn't occur to me sooner, but I should've realized how important our friendship is. From what she's told me, her family situation at home isn't ideal. In fact, a lot of the other children in the program come from similar circumstances. Julisa, in particular, has intimated some painfully sad details. Also, her mom's not very supportive of her; she doesn't allow her to use the computer at home and calls her and yells at her for leaving the program a few minutes late. Being around these kinds of programs and interacting with other students and mentors who can relate to her like this really makes her feel valued.

She really wants to study Social Work at Wheelock, and I really hope she gets in. Though, secretly, I hope she comes to UMass. But I know Wheelock would be a great experience since it's farther away from home. I urged her to email me with drafts of her essay throughout December, so that I could still revise them with her. She called me her "best friend" on the first day, but I never expected this kind of rapport.

Speaking of December, I'm heading back to Viet Nam on the 29th. My maternal grandpa--the only grandparent I have left--is really ill now, and it may be the last time that I'll ever get to see him. He's around 94, and the last time we saw each other was in 2002. My sisters and parents have been back a few times within the last 2 years, but I've always been busy. To be honest, I always try to avoid going back just because if I go with just my parents, it wouldn't be exciting since they all like doing their adult things, and there aren't very few cousins in Viet Nam that are my age--the ones that are live in Australia.

This time I couldn't decline. My mom called me a few weeks ago crying and pleading me to go back. I can't believe all the traveling that's come my way this year. It'll be a good experience because everyone keeps telling me how the city we live in has changed immensely. Plus, I've been contemplating this whole topic of connecting with my Vietnamese heritage lately. I'm doing an independent study on race, literacy and the American Dream next semester, as well as a course on Asian American authors. I'm hoping it pans out. I hope so.

My professor who's teaching my tutor writing course offered to be the advisor for that independent study, but I've been so negligent with her class. It's my fault really for stretching myself so thin this semester. Her tutor writing class meets on Mondays and Wednesdays at 10:10 AM, but I've been arriving late to class everyday for the last few weeks. Sometimes it's a few minutes, but a few times, it's been upwards to 15-20 minutes. This previous Wednesday, I came maybe 4 minutes late, and everyone was already partnered up to draft their papers. She came up to me and told me in the nicest possible way that I should start coming on time because it's really important to be there for the other students since we work collaboratively in this class. I felt terrible because she's one of those really nice professors or just people in general who I would never want to let down, and I feel like I've been doing that so much. There's still enough time in the semester to prove to her how serious I am. In previous semesters my courses always start at 9:30 AM and 9:05 AM, and I even arrive on time for my 9:30 AM this semester, so it's weird that I keep coming late to this course. I've just been staying up so much later than normal, trying to juggle all my work, so I've been waking up even later. It comes down to me needing to get my shit together really.

Why Beyonce Would Be Proud

2009-10-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

So, I started my first shift back at the conservatory today. I makes my own money again. I'm actually cutting the hours in half this year because of my class schedule. Normally, I work 8 hours a week, but that was because I had Sunday shifts; the guy who does weekends came back. It's no big deal. I'm planning on having a freer schedule during the weekday next semester, so I'll increase my hours then, but for now, I'll settle for 4.

My boss, Mike, had me help him attach this door closer contraption. What's the technical term for those? They attach onto the door and the door frames and automatically shut the door, so it can't stay open. It was actually a lot more complicated than I expected. At least, I got practice in reading those types of instructions.

They finally finished renovating the inside, and there were some rearrangement of the plants, but pretty much all the rooms stayed the same. It's a lot nicer in the Spring because the orchids bloom then. I'll have to borrow someone's camera to take pictures and put them up there. It's sad but most students on campus don't even know about the conservatory.

I asked Mike about green architecture and green roofs because I'm fascinated by this whole, for a lack of a better word, trend? Here are some pictures I gathered from the web.

ACROS Fukuoka Building in Fukuoka, Japan

Chicago City Hall

Basically, he said a degree in architecture would benefit more than one in plant science or something, if I wanted to do that. It makes sense, but it's too late for me to think about architecture now. There are tons of websites online and pictures of similar projects. Check it out.

Becoming Hilary Swank or Why No Child Left Behind Fails

2009-10-23T22:17:00.000-07:00

I finally got what I wanted: to be back at school. And as usual, my anticipation is always a lot better than the actual outcome. Let me clarify, I'm very happy to be back in Amherst, to be around my friends and to start classes, but the semester's not going as smoothly as I wanted or planned.

I had scheduled 8 classes, which is obviously a ridiculous number regardless of what college you attend. The average UMass student takes around 12-18 credits which roughly equals 4-6 classes. I was taking 28 credits, and I thought it would be manageable, but of course I never factor in my human limitations. I didn't have a lunch break on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I had to drop my math elective; no big deal really, I can take it another semester. Even with only 7 classes, however, I've given into old habits of putting classwork off until the very last minute, and I've stressed myself out a lot. I'm hoping to use this weekend to organize myself. I promised that I'll take a maximum of 5 classes next semester and aim for 4. Let's see if I keep this promise.

And a few weeks ago, the math department sent out an email about a volunteer experience they received from an organization called Let's Get Ready. I haven't done any community service since high school, and this program serves underprivileged youth, which I feel very passionate about, so I applied. Essentially, LGR helps prepare these students for college by teaching them strategies and providing them materials to do well on the SATs. There are two weekly sessions: math tutoring on Monday and English tutoring on Thursday. I have class until 9pm, on Monday, so I opted for the Thursday session.

This past Thursday was our second session, but first real day of lessons, and it was brutal. I'm only teaching a class of 4 students, and only two showed up, but it was still pretty rough. The two I have are good kids, but I think motivating them or at least one of them may be challenging.

The high school I'm working at is one of the lowest performing schools in the state. The dropout rate is 9.7% in comparison to the 3.7% state average, and it has a huge immigrant population--not that immigrants are dumb, of course. But being an immigrant myself, I know how challenging it can be to succeed academically because often our parents haven't gone through the system and don't know how to help us. I don't know much about their teachers, but from what I've learned just from talking to the students and connecting the dots, I think it's not just a matter of them not trying, but their system giving up on them as well; I think both sides are at fault.

My first lesson focused on the essay of the Writing section, and I quickly learned that they haven't been well trained in writing strong essays. Yet, they tell me that they all get A's on their English papers and how much their teachers praise certain things--like using colloquialism, etc.--in expository writing. From this, I'm assuming--I could be wrong--that their high school may just pass them No-Child-Left-Behind style. But one of my students wasn't committing to the lesson on Thursday, and we got into a little tussle, if you will. I wasn't yelling or anything, but he was getting frustrated and didn't want to be there cause he said he was tired. I tried to tell him that making mistakes is fine,and etc, but he wasn't having it. He's kind of a diva, and I think because these programs are pretty much handed to him and all the other kids, that some of them of course don't realize how good these opportunities really are. I think he'll come around. But I was already having a really exhausting week, so I was just so drained from that whole night. Needless to say, I have an even greater respect for educators.

I've written far too much, and I'll end with this video, which I think is exemplary of my experience. It's MAD TV Parody on Freedom Writers and other similar movies:

Wanderlust and Its Consequences: Misadventures in Spain

2009-08-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Spain! I was originally planning on documenting my month as it went along, but I just never found the time to sit down to do it. That's actually a lie. I did have time, but I would be too exhausted to deal with the crappy internet in the dorms, so I never bothered. But gosh, where do I begin?

Spain and the program exceeded my expectations. I was excited to be going, but I had predicted that I would probably enjoy it more once I was there, and I was right. I stayed in a city called Salamanca, which is approximately 2 hours west of Madrid, and I took two courses, an 18th-20th Century Spanish literature course and another on contemporary Spanish culture.

The classes were good, but don't get me wrong, although I initially wanted to do the program for educational purposes, the classes definitely weren't the highlight of my trip. My lit professor's name was Maria--a very quirky and eccentric woman. She promised to speak slowly for us but, instead, strung her sentences together with very tight seams. She talked like the rent was due tomorrow. After a while, though, we got used to her speed. Imelda, my culture professor, spoke at a more reasonable pace. Neither woman spoke English. They only knew a few words, so communication between us was completely in Spanish. This resulted in some funny moments when they would pronounce an English word with Spanish linguistics, e.g., YouTube would become "jew too bay." My listening definitely improved, but the Spanish accent is hard to understand at times. Sometimes it sounded as if the locals were mumbling.

I must have had the worst luck throughout the trip. The camera my sister gave me was stolen on the second day. Someone must have reached into my shoulder bag as I was walking throughout the street because I would put it away after each use. And on the third week, a stranger climbed into my window with a knife at 6:30 am and robbed me of 45 euros, which is about 60 dollars. Thankfully, I wasn't hurt. To top everything off, I found out that I was missing 400 dollars cash on the second to last day of the trip. But despite these terrible mishaps, I really did enjoy my trip, and I would do it again in a heart beat. If anything, just for the people I met and places I visited.

Also, not to mention the food! I really miss the ice cream there. It was so delicious. I can't explain it. Something about the flavors were just more natural and authentic. Eating mango sorbet felt like eating an actual mango. The food in our dorm wasn't the bee's knees; dishes were hit and miss. The only constant dish was french fries or some form of fried potato. It was a staple of every meal. Sometimes, that I was all I chose to eat.

The Spanish lifestyle is a lot different too. I'm convinced Spaniards are lazier than Americans. All they do is eat, drink and sleep. I take naps, but to have it be socially universal is taking it to another level. At 2 pm, most businesses would stop and people would go home to eat and nap. And at 5 pm life would return to the city. I don't drink much, but I felt that as long as you weren't wearing diapers, they would serve you alcohol. Ridiculously.

I'm heading to California on the 18th for two weeks to visit family. It's weird because I don't normally travel this much. I'm more anxious for school to start than anything. I go back to Amherst on the September 8th.

Anyways, here are some pictures from my trip. I took them from my friends' Facebook albums. Click to enlarge them for better quality.

Plaza Mayor in Salamanca. Think of it as the heart of the downtown area.

Mia, Angela and Me at a club on the second night.

The aqueducts in Segovia. Legend has it, the Devil built it. There are "claw marks" on each stone.

The Alhambra, (Hambra means red in Arabic, and Al is just the definite article). It's an Arabic palace in Granada, a city in the southern Spain. It was beautiful and huge (That's what she said). The walls were really ornate in parts of the palace. There was a lot of Arabic writing on the walls, and I was able to read most of it. Professor Al-Hibri will be so proud.

This was at the Alhambra. It was a long path with this floral archway. It was like a dream in person.

The Mediterranean. Who knew it would be so pretty. Not I.

Dave and me at the farewell dinner.

Realism or Reverse Racism?

2009-06-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

At Berkeley Law’s 2001 commencement, Sonia Sotomayor said her now infamous line, “I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life.” The theme of her speech was exploring her Latina identity and how it influences her decisions as a judge. Though her words inspire many, some find her comments off-putting; Rush Limbaugh brands her as a “reverse racist,” a title he also uses for President Obama.

The vitriol Limbaugh spews daily is absurd (I don’t listen to his radio show, but his hateful rhetoric finds its way onto the headlines). But my issue with his attack on both Sotomayor and Obama, however, is that his claims are completely unsubstantiated:

"And the [liberals] of course say that minorities cannot be racists because they don't have the power to implement their racism. Well, those days are gone because reverse racists certainly do have the power to implement their power. Obama is the greatest living example of a reverse racist, and now he's appointed one."

“She is an affirmative action case extraordinaire, and she has put down white men in favor of Latina women.”

That he uses sweeping generalizations invalidates his own points. Also, the term “minorities” comprises groups beyond the criterion of race, but here he’s using it solely on the basis of race. He’s not aware that white women also benefit from affirmative action.

While I agree that Sotomayor could’ve fashioned her words better, she doesn’t put down white men in favor of Latina women. I may be misinterpreting her, but to me, she’s saying that there are certain experiences that will allow her to better understand a case than, say, a white male judge whose life experiences differ from her own. I don’t believe in complete objectivity. It’s impossible. Judges, as do most people, interpret the Constitution differently. To ignore this fact is foolish. Her experiences are definitely going to shape her decisions as a justice differently than the experiences that have shaped justices before her.

If Limbaugh is so against racial discrimination, he’d be using his talk show to speak against biased law enforcers or to dispel misconceptions about the Middle East, which many of his listeners paint as a breeding ground for terrorists. Clearly, it only matters when he feels that white people are being victimized, though I don’t see how they are in this instance.

And despite what Limbaugh believes about liberals, I believe anyone can be a victim of racism. I hate to admit that he is partially right because there are those who don’t feel white people can experience racism, but I think they can, just only a smaller scale. I think opponents of reverse racism only see racism as institutionalized. Racism needs to be examined in each particular context.

"I'm changing. I'll be better than I am..."

2009-06-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

I've retold my college application experience so many times, but last month, The New York Times asked undergraduates to write about their college experience for the July 26th Back to School edition. I couldn't help myself.

That they've yet contact me back indicates 1, my piece didn't make the final cut or 2, they've just been inundated with so many submissions and haven't been able to read through all of them yet. I'm hoping it's 2.

Here's the final product. The ending's a little rushed, I know, but I had to keep the word limit to 1000, which I met exactly. I'm aware that my story isn't unique to me. In fact, students experience the same heartbreaking emotions each spring, so I tried to be very general initially and transition into my particular experience at UMass Amherst.

NYTimes Essay Submission